Why are you not into me?

I will put it very straight and very short: My crush is not into me and that sucks.

Apart from the regular bitter taste of rejection I can not help but wonder what the fuck is wrong him (it’s a male person in this case). After several failed attempts to meet each other and the overall lack of engagement from his side I had to embrace the fact that my interest and affection is probably one-sided and did the one thing, I could do to avoid more frustration: I accepted it. Again: My crush is not into me.

I accepted his busy schedule, his priorities and plans that didn’t involve me at all. In moments like these, I try to look beyond my hurt ego and force myself to put myself in his situation. How would I like to be treated if I was him? Being rejected might hurt but rejecting people is equally hard- especially if you care for the other person. I thought back on all the friends I have lost because I did not return their feelings and I also remember how much it hurt me to justify it.

Why am I not good enough for you?

The question is lingering in the room and was probably also in my friends’ minds back then. If I would have been more mindful back then I might have found the better words and ways to handle it. Instead, I was solely focusing on myself and felt so terribly betrayed by my friends for not accepting my feelings. I did not understand why or even how I was supposed to explain the fact that I did not return their romantic feelings. The entire situation was not easy for anyone but at that moment all each of us could see was the unfairness that we were facing alone. In our anger and frustration, we hurt each other so badly that we stopped talking and avoid each other since then.

If I could turn back time, what are the things I want to be different? What could we change to avoid more stress and pain?

Acknowledge each other’s feelings

Knowing that somebody has feelings for you might seem very flattering but truly acknowledging it is a bit different. Taking their emotions seriously and acting mindfully is import to treat them with respect. It is already a huge step to confess your feelings to somebody so to me it’s the least I can do in response.
The same does go to rejection as well. The lack of feelings is just as valid as a confession of love and should not need to be justified or explained. Affection is nothing you can claim for. Not by insulting, not by screaming, not by arguing. It is not there.

In both cases, it is important to mention that both feelings will probably linger for a while. I will probably have that crush for a little while longer, despite the fact that the feelings won’t be answered. At the same time, the lack of affection will last as well. These are to facts that need to be accepted.

Acknowledging your own needs

Back then I wanted to continue whatever we had as if nothing happened. I wanted my friends to chill at my place as we used to did and spend the entire night talking about silly stuff while listening to our favourite songs. That was stupid.

No matter how nice and easy that would be, when expectations are differing everyone should re-adjust to the new situation and take their time to reflect on what they need in order to feel better. Sometimes that means that you need some distance in order to find out. Sometimes it also means that you start stalking their new partner and (please don’t) to curse the world and scream. Whatever it is, keep in mind that all this is temporary. Don’t force yourself to continue something that is not making you happy. Don’t pretend you never got rejected and play along this happy friendship game. Don’t pretend you would return the feelings and start a relationship.

Last but not least: Move on.

All this has nothing to do with anyone not being good enough. It is about the different kinds of happiness each and every one of us is looking for and sometimes it just won’t work out. I can try and be the best version of myself but that doesn’t mean everyone will love it. To put it very drastically: People have their own taste and you have to accept that some have a poor curious one. It sucks, yes but you have no right to change it. Your own taste is subjective and nothing more.

With all that in mind, I swallowed the fact that my pretty face does not save me from rejection. After another failed attempt to meet I told the guy that I respect his busy schedule, wished him the best of luck in Berlin, hoped that we will bump into each other at some point but apologised that I won’t compete with his timetable anymore.

He was confused by this … finality. After explaining me the full dimension of his busy lifestyle (which was unnecessary because I got it by then) I phrased it very simple:

– I just have the impression that you are not into me as much as I am into you.
– Yeah… that might be true.
– That’s ok. I’m not upset but I hope you respect my decision.
– sure.

Obviously, I was not madly and deeply in love since I never had the chance to properly date him (which was good in the end, I guess), but I was sad after all. The fact that he didn’t even want to find out who I was is really … sobering. He probably didn’t feel the chemistry between us at all and his knees probably didn’t get weak when he saw me. It was just me but that’s no reason to hurt or insult him.

So can I punch him now or …?

The following story is sadly a very common and ordinary one that happens probably to some of your friends already. I give you three keywords: clubbing, males, drunk.

A tale as old as time I guess: drunk people disrespecting lines and behaving poorly. The reason why I explicitly wrote “males” is that my weekend encounter was with a man. In fact, it made me so angry that I wondered if violence can be a legit method to end conflicts. (Spoiler: the answer is no.)

Taking a break from Berlin I decided to visit a friend in Hamburg and obviously it had lead to some parties. I was in very good company and danced to the beats of decent techno when an obviously drunk guy decided to dance next to me. As a matter of fact, he had to dance really close, so close that he was literally standing on my shoe. (That I had to remove forcefully because that human being had no intention to move anywhere)

I looked around and noticed that there was plenty of space in the club. Standing on my shoes and the overall invasion of my personal space was absolutely unnecessary. My attempt to make the guy notice my discomfort by standing still and intensely stare at him got rewarded with him stepping in front of me and slowly pushing me aside.

“Fine”, I thought, “I hope the eternal flames of hell will get you and slowly burn your intestines.” Not in the mood for mindful engagement I just moved away and danced at a spot that was drunk dude free. It didn’t take him a minute to show up next to me again and repeat the stepping on my shoe and pushing me aside crap.

Me: What is your problem? I don’t want to dance with you.
Him: I don’t fucking care about you. Go away if you don’t like it. I won’t go anywhere.

Sure, I took my stuff, congratulated on the “asshole award” I just gave him and moved to a corner and danced with my friends. Until he showed up again behind me.

That’s it. No more chance. You die.

SERIOUSLY! HOW ON EARTH CAN A SINGLE HUMAN BEING BE THAT DISGUSTING? WHAT DID THE WORLD DO TO HIM? Out of all the things he could possibly do in a club he decided to use his energy to ruin my time. He was not flirting. He was not interested in getting my attention or number. He was simply an extremely rude person very ambitious so spread negative vibes. I couldn’t believe how he is not ashamed of himself.

I turned around and told him to go away. I told him that I do not like him this close. Angry he said I should shut up.

No, I will not let you go that easily. I want you to have nightmares.

Yes, I now that this is not very zen and yes, there would have been ways to solve this with less aggression. I am still learning and this as also a lesson for me. I was taken away by my own anger. It simply pissed me off to see him casually walking around being disrespectful. A club with loud techno music is probably not the best place for a mindful conversation and I also had the impression that this guy in specific is not going to listen anyway.  That is the reason why I decided to yell the shit out of him. My usually calm voice was suddenly competing with the bass from the speakers behind me and I used my hands to make my demand perfectly clear:

GO AWAY!, I yelled, my hands pointing at the farthest corner I could find. GO THE FUCK AWAY!

As expected he did not move away and got even more aggressive and I seriously had a hard time not grab him by the collars of his ugly ass checked shirt and throw him down the stairs. I decided to continue screaming instead, hoping that either security will show up or him making the mistake of grabbing me so I have an excuse for self-defence. (I might have been angry but not stupid.)
What happened, in the end, was better though. A friend of mine stepped between us trying to move him to the side. Two girls who were dancing next to us told him to get lost as well. Another friend was also blocking him from me. Finally, a guy who I just met in the club was gently taking the dude aside and said something to him that made him disappear without causing any more drama.

Everything ended well without anyone getting hurt.

However,

I just wondered if there was a way to solve this situation without depending on the kindness of the people around me. Well, going to the bar and asking for security is obviously a possibility but is there literally no way to solve this situation by myself? Why am I even in need of asking others for help? Am I doomed to rely on others just because my body doesn’t look threatening enough to make people respect me?