The journey of horror started even before she made it to the present. As soon as she gained consciousness again she felt this familiar uneasiness all over her body. “I am awake”, she thought and did not dare to open her eyes. Neither did she want to see the light of the fresh day nor read the time on her clock. An entire day of utter terror is ahead of her so unmerciful and cruel that she wished to fall into ashes.
Everything is falling apart – at least this is what she felt right now. The very ground she is standing on, her warm space of comfort and safety, her will and strength. The pillars that have been supporting her for the last days are britteling away. Raw anxiety carved its way deep into her bones, paralyzing the muscles and chain her to the bed. If only her mind would have been paralyzed as well. No, she was awake and this fact scared her the most.
The whispering had made it back into her skull and becomes clearer with every minute she is clear. It rips up her memories she clings on into pieces while she can do nothing but watch. Gone. The world lied in flames in front of her, burning the last shreds that once were her retreat, her safe haven. There is no place left where she could hide from her own existence and the vast horror of her meaningless life became clear in the most brutal way.
She did not beg for mercy because she knew there is none for people like her. Each and every bit of pain she feels in this moment is justified. She deserved it. Her teeth were clenched together and the only sound that made it through her throat was a frail groan. Nobody had to explain to her why she has to endure this right now, she understood very well. While burning tears are running down her cheeks, she caught herself on wishing the old wishes again. A bullet penetrating her skull by force, scattering the layer of bones until it reaches the soft brain. She imagined how the bullet breaks its way out again painting a mural of vibrant red on the sidewalk. Her head would crush on the concrete, dragged down by gravity and her mind would finally be calm. She seriously honestly did not want to wish for it but this is what happened right now. These ideas and thoughts scare her but there is no escape, no way to avoid the confrontation. She is facing herself and what she sees is frightening her so much.